The 15-Minute, Après Trick or Treating Pasta (That I've Also Had Twice This Week)
Plus 3 Halloween cocktails that are actually good, and the appetizer I have every holiday.
This Halloween, I Say Pasta, but Wear Ozempic.
Apparently, you can dress up as an Ozempic shot this year.
Sorry, make that a sexy Ozempic shot.
What good is any Halloween costume if you can’t sex it up a bit with a little T and A? Sexy nun, sexy librarian, sexy rodeo clown… you get the whole tiresome idea.
I know, I’m coming off preachy and judgemental, but at least I’m being sex-ily preachy and judgemental.
What might surprise you about my judgement is I’m not mad about the sexy part of the questionable costume. Speaking as a bonafide sexy person, you just can’t dim the light on sex appeal. It’s not like we sexy people have a choice in the matter. My sexiness practically outshines me. It gets embarrassing at times, but I can’t help my genes. I was born this sexy. You should have compassion.
No, what triggers me a smidge, and makes me uncharacteristically serious, is the costume masquerades as a fun poke at a trend, but is really a snide and superior comment on fatness. Damned if you are, damned if you’re trying to do something about it.
Listen. As a woman who is stomping sweatily through perimenopause and, twice a day – at least – looks down and actively wonders, “WTF?” I can fully vouch that being human ain’t for the weak. I mean, thank gawd I was born this sexy, because otherwise, I could very well be in a state of blind panic at what’s going on with my midsection.
Life’s tough. Our collective judgements are tougher, and women still seem to be squarely in the cross hairs of all that judgement. So look, if you want (or need!) to get some support from Ozempic, or smooth your forehead with Botox, or wax your upper lip, or lift and separate your boobs… have at ’er babe! Fill your boots … and boobs and foreheads and lips. I’m mean, by all means, get it done by a pro, but you certainly won’t hear a ridiculing snort from me over your choice to do so. (When you’re born this sexy you must be benevolent in your sexiness.)
So since this tactful and sensitive costume seems to once again make a punching bag of women’s insecurities (I’m not overlooking men and non-binary folk, but in cases like this it always, always focuses on women’s feelings of lack) well, why don’t we just tear away at everyone’s soft spots. I mean that would be a Halloween hoot! Like a modern-day public firing squad at everyone’s emotions and confidence.
So I propose the following costumes: sexy Viagara, sexy hair plugs, sexy statins, sexy Preparation H…
You feelin’ me?
Halloween Treats for Grown Ups: Tartare, Festive Cocktails, Wine, and Fast, 5-Ingredient Pasta
I go to my sister’s every year and sit on the front porch dressed in my best witch’s gown, drinking wine, eating steak tartare, and handing out candy.